Shelby Cass's Weblog

No getting away from this. Must purge guilt onto page…

2 visits ago to Dr. Li I mentioned I’d gained a little weight to which he replied “YEAH YOU HAVE!” so I knew that HE knew that I knew I’d pudged out. So back to last visit…now keep in mind that this is MY relationship with Dr. Li…and he probably says things to me that he doesn’t say to other people because I kind of make him…

I’m sitting in the chair…the one facing the big screen that reflects the entire room so really I’m just staring at myself…and Dr. Li walks in and booms (as he booms) my name. How am I doing? Fine. He looks at my jaw and has me open and wiggle and frowns a little…it’s at this time that I think maybe I am not recovering as quickly as he would have supposed. I am only able to open my mouth two fingers’ width and moving from side to side is a jooooooke. He asks me to move my jaw to the right. I do something and he LAUGHS. “Not your LIPS. Your jaw.” Nice. I try to move the jaw to the right WITHOUT the help of big lip contortions and he says “I think we need some physical therapy.” Doh. As we’re finishing up he asks is there’s anything else going on and I say, “I’m snoring again.”

Oooh. Bad face. Dr. Li’s eyes got darker than their usual dark chocolate brown and he looks at me with his stern face. How should he put this? He takes a breath and let’s it out with the words, “I didn’t want to say anything, but you HAVE gained a little bit of weight.”

“Oh, you DID say something.” I remind him. “I said ‘I’ve gained weight’ last time and you said ‘YEAH you have!'”

He laughs and takes a look down my throat, takes a step back and says grimly, as if breaking some news I was hoping would never come, “It’s the weight.”

“I know.”

He tries to take the reigns and look like the one who knows things in the room. “But you’ve gained weight since last time I saw you.”

Oooh. Them’s fighting words! I argue back and forth with him, since my scale has informed me that I have been holding steady since the last visit and I am VERY VERY attached to my scale. He disagrees. “I’m wearing a tank top! You’ve never seen my arms before” I protest. He looks at me sideways like I’m trying to get away with something. “NO. You’ve gained more weight since last time.” As he says this he nods and looks me in the eyes as if to get me to ‘fess up…but I am adamant. I’ll admit I’m a porker, but don’t accuse me of gaining weight when I haven’t! I’ve never had an argument like this before. It’s kind of exhilarating, and I’m laughing. It’s pretty funny, you must admit. I think because I’m laughing but also raising my voice, Dr. Li senses he should change tactics. He puts his hand on my shoulder, gets me to look into his eyes, lowers his chin as if delivering a very stern message and says, “You were MUCH HOTTER 20 pounds ago.”

(Insert me rolling on the ground cackling here)

I burst out laughing and say “That won’t work.” He says “What does your cute boyfriend say? ‘More of you to love?'” and I say “Yeah.” Dr. Li shakes his head.

I explain to Dr. Li that he has to scare me into losing the weight. I mean, threaten me or something. When I go to the dentist I beg them to tell me my teeth are about to fall out if I don’t floss because if they say “Everything looks great, see you in 6 months try to floss more” that says to me that the minimal amount of work I already do is enough to garner a “looks great” and that’s like an A- to me and really, what’s the point in putting in a whole bunch of icky flossing effort just for a tiny tiny upgrade?  So I say to Dr. Li, “Tell me it is a HEALTH IMPERATIVE that I lose 20 pounds.”

He squints his eyes and humors me, arms folded across his chest.  “It is a health imperative that you lose 20 pounds.”

“So basically, I should never have extra weight on me.”

He tries to be the doctor again.  “Shelby…I’m not saying that gaining weight will negate your surgery, but it will make it…less effective.  And you went through so much.”  That’s more like it.  I like consequences.  “Okay.  20 pounds.  I already started running…”   His eyes light up.  “That’s great!  Keep doing that!”  I laugh.  He gets serious again and puts his hand on my shoulder.  I look up at him and he says solemnly and sagely, “Much hotter.”

Dude cracks me up.