Archive for March, 2008


Wednesday, March 26th, 2008

I am a directional moron.  Truly.  The only way I could EVER pin the tail on any donkey was if I cheated.  And pinatas?  Forget about it.  I get lost just THINKING about getting lost, so if you arm me with a bat and turn me around once, twice, or (egads!) three times with a blindfold over my eyes…RUN!

When I want to point in a direction, I usually point the wrong way.  Wrong to you, but makes sense to me.  For example:  Say we are standing in a room with a door to the right of me and a window looking out at the road to the left.  I am telling you about a place I went to down the street and when I say this, I point to the right…even though the road you would take is to my left.  Why?  Why do I point right?  Because you have to walk out the door first.

Maybe I am not communicating my inability to grasp direction well.  But you would feel the frustration that Courtland has felt since the day we met if you were on the receiving end of all my frantic “I’m lost” phone calls.  See, I know Court works in front of a computer.  Therefore, online maps are at his fingertips.  Which of course means he is waiting with bated breath for my call…NOT.  Yet I called.  And I called.  And I called.  And he can tell you how much sense I make when I am lost (and pre-surgery deliriously sleepy) and frantic and late for something (I’m guessing he’d put it at -8).  So one day, to save himself, and probably our relationship, Courtland bought me FIL.

FIL is a Garmin Nuvi 660.  Wide screen with text to speech navigator that I have set to speak to me in a male British accent.  Court has not heard from me in a lost panic since.  Truly, FIL is a miracle worker.  I’ve shown FIL to other people who instantly covet him.  I highly recommend FIL to anyone with a similar directional disorder.  I can drive into San Jose and San Francisco and emerge unscathed.  And when I am running late, FIL tells me what time I can expect to arrive and lets me call people through him via bluetooth and speak through him hands free.  I love FIL.  I love FIL so much I thought I’d write an entry about him.  And in case you are wondering…

FIL stands for:
F*CK, I’m Lost

Screw This

Friday, March 14th, 2008

A couple weeks ago I saw Dr. Li who took a measurement of my jaw opening and found it was 30mm!!! So very nice. He said he thinks it will get better too. We had our usual bantering conversation…and then I asked, “When is my chin going to stop hurting?”

Pause. “What do you mean?”

I pointed to my chin point (courtesy of Dr. Li) and said, “It hurts here when you push on it. And also when it gets really cold.” Did I tell you how badly it hurt when it was cold? Oh my gosh. There was a week where the temperature dropped pretty low (for where I live) and I told Court “I think there’s a screw in my chin that is frozen and it HURTS!” He pooh-poohed me…and we went on our merry way.

Dr. Li heard this and stopped in his tracks. “It hurts when it’s cold?” Yup.

He went over to his little computer and pulled up my xrays. He looked at them, then looked at me…then looked at them and put one finger up…he looked at me, then the xrays, then back to me and zeroed that finger in to my chin–OW!!! “That’s a screw.” He explained that because in some people (like me) the amount he had to move the jaw was so extreme that he was unable to make the screws flush with the bone and had to go in at an angle. So the pain I am feeling will never go away so long as I have those two screws in my chin. He also said that in Scandinavian countries they ALWAYS remove the screws after the jaw is healed…because of the cold.

So I have a choice. Move to Hawaii and never get below 55F. Or stay here and deal with the week a year of pain…never go to Tahoe… (oh and did I mention that it hurts when I kiss my Pookie and his chin point and my chin point get intimate?). Or get the screws removed…which does involve cutting of things and more healing of things…but is a minor procedure because he can do it in his office under conscious sedation. Grr. I know how this will end. Don’t you?


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