Shelby Cass's Weblog

My pain is so much more manageable. It’s crazy. Only generic Aleve or ibuprofin and aspirin and not all the time (because you can take naproxen sodium less and it lasts longer). 
 
Chewing, although it sounded great SUCKS right now. So I do the spoon/bottom teeth squish and that gets me by, but I think I am still a gerber girl. Oh, and still hanging at 8-10 lbs lost so evidently this WASN’T the best weight loss program ever. Can I eat now that I have had this revelation? 
 
Regarding my two Heathers…I feel very bad. I mean, this happens every time, and now I feel I should let you know that they were actually just freaking out because there was an earthquake coming. The other day I mentioned Mommy had woken me up with unusual behavior…15 minutes into my blog there was an earthquake that I felt and did not connect to the cat until I got my email from USGS telling me where it was, what time it was, and the intensity…seems it was shortly after Mommy had her Heather moment. 
 
This morning I was so grumpy because both cats went Heather and then I get in my email: 
 
Region: NEAR COAST OF OREGON 
Geographic coordinates: 42.383N, 125.437W 
Magnitude: 4.1 Mb 
Depth: 10 km 
Universal Time (UTC): 31 Jan 2007 15:38:46 
Time near the Epicenter: 31 Jan 2007 07:38:46 
Local time in your area: 31 Jan 2007 15:38:46 
 
Location with respect to nearby cities: 
84 km (52 miles) W (269 degrees) of Gold Beach, OR 
87 km (54 miles) WSW (242 degrees) of Port Orford, OR 
101 km (63 miles) WNW (291 degrees) of Brookings, OR 
124 km (77 miles) NW (305 degrees) of Crescent City, CA 
415 km (258 miles) SW (214 degrees) of Portland, OR 
 
Yup. I have seismic cats. Now if only I could figure out when they are being ultra sensitive predictors of the future or are just hungry, thirsty or pissed at me for not scooping their potty. 
 
Oh, also, when Court can’t figure out why Rira is trippin’, he brings me ibuprofin and about 15-20 minutes later she is completely silent. 
 
I think the whine I just got from Rira is food related, so I must go take care of the Princess. 
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Greetings and salutations. I am awake. It’s 7:45 am. Not bad except I went to bed at 1 and the reason I woke up is because Mommy cat decided to wake me up. What the– 
 
I am renaming both my cats (because Rira has decided since I am up she may as well hover) Heather. What’s your damage, Heather?!?!? 
 
Want sleep. Eating banana 3rd foods instead. What have I become? Banana 3rd foods is my comfort food? 
 
Okay here’s a question: Do you sweat in your sleep? I mean, not drench yourself, but do you wake up all grimy feeling and a little bit sticky? I know that sounds gross, but Court and I have had this conversation many many times. he won’t even THINK about leaving the room when he wakes up until post shower because he feels “like a greazy potato.” I caled him weirdo but now I fall into the greazy potato crowd. Is it delta sleep? Is it that I never got it and therefore couldn’t detox? Overshare galore, but it needed to be asked. 
 
At least I didn’t ask if you ever felt “not so fresh.” 

Oh yeah…that’s right. I can chomp. Well, maybe not CHOMP so much as exert force from both my upper and lower jaws on the left. Last night I dutifully banded in the lovely bite guard so that my teeth could have something to rest on whilst I slept, and I thought “hmmm…I wonder if it would hurt to bear down on this thing”…so I did. Just a little. On the left. I was able to really put some pressure to that bite guard! On the right, not so much…but ooh! On the left! If my teeth could touch back there I’m sure I would be at a steak house with baby back ribs jammed back there. No. I don’t really MISS ribs (don’t quote me on that!) 
 
But really. What should my first food to chew? What do I miss so much that I would go anywhere to get it as soon as I got the go ahead? 
 
I know I want Zachary’s pizza…but Dave is bringing me one this week…RIGHT?!?!? (teehee). And I am sure it will taste just fine without the crust. 
 
There are a couple things I want (caramel apples and the occasional stick of gum) that I won’t be able to have until after the braces come off in 18 months at least (looking at how wacked my teeth are I’m sure I’m looking at 2 years or more). Not looking forward to that prognosis on Feb. 15 with Dr. Quo…but it’s nothing compared to what the past month has bestowed upon me, so really I’m just venting and now I’m over it. 
 
Taco. Chips. I want chips. 
 
Court got pears sent to him for post holiday wishes from his co…and I can’t eat them unless I moosh and I don’t wanna moosh…I wanna bite into the pear go SQUISH! and CHEEEEW. 
 
Okay so I want a very ripe pear and a taco or at least some chips and salsa (not blended salsa…chunky salsa!) 
 
Oh now I’m hungry. Time for the famous chipless nachos. Mmm…guacamole in a bag. Hasta! 
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As Bruce from Finding Nemo cries after getting a whiff of Dory’s bloody nose…I’m havin’ FISH for dinner! 
 
Drove to Sushi Monster down the street on Ralston…driven by many times, never been in. Oh man. I was missing out! Well, no more. I am now graduated onto cooked fish…and Unagi counts. Mmmmm. It was so very very good. I ordered it over rice so I got about 8 nigiri pieces worth of Unagi over rice and I didn’t have to blend a single thing! 
 
I did realise that even though Dr. Li said I could start using my teeth a little…neither one of us was taking into account that none of my teeth actually touch. And since I cannot (ow ow ow ow) move my jaw anyway but directly up or down, there’s absolutely no wiggle room on that. So I have 2.25 teeth I can use to munchy and crunchy. They are the tooth to the left (my left) of my front teeth and the corresponding tooth on the bottom. The .25 is the eye tooth on the top that gets a tiny bit of action. So I learned a little trick. 
 
I put my baby spoon (have I mentioned how I do love the baby spoon?) in my mouth (it has a soft rubber-like covering) under my top teeth, and squish my food between it and my bottom teeth. Baby spoon/teeth. Very nice! And all for only $6.99 for 4 different colors! I know you’re jealous. 
 
I am a superstar rockstar booYa mama rockin the temperature sensitive hypercolor baby spoonage. Yeah boy!!!! 
 

I have received word from on HIGH!!!! The Mighty Dr. Kasey Li hath spake and says I can try eating FISH this week! So now before I scamper (as scampy people such as myself will do) off to my friendly neighborhood sushi restaurant for some UNAGI (YEEHAW!!!), I thought I’d blog it…and let you know how it goes afterwards. 
 
Fish fish fish…mmmmm fish! Righteous! 
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I don’t mean donuts covered in powdered sugar…I mean taking an old fashioned donut and reducing it to a powder… In theory, it tasted good…but in actuality, it was pretty horrible. I had to add milk because powder doesn’t go anywhere without lube…but it just wasn’t the same. I guess what I like most about donuts is the texture and the feeling I get when I chew it. 
 
I sure miss chewing. 
 
Last night I picked Court up from the Oakland airport and we went to Chinese food in Belmont. The owner went above and beyond to accommodate my inability to chew. I had brought my little head sensitive baby spoon, and honestly, was prepared to eat or drink what I could, then take the rest home to Mr. Bullet the Blender. So when she came over to the table to work with me on my meal, I was overwhelmed. What a wonderful gesture. She recommended a tofu dish and I wanted spicy so she found something that worked and mmmm mmmm was that good! I used the big spoon that came with the dish to smoosh the tofu into paste, then added extra sauce and enjoyed the yum. I also got a glass of plum wine. I was almost normal! Plus, my spoon could tell me when my food was cool enough to eat and my tea was cool enough to drink. 
 
I love my baby spoons. Although when my soup was ready to drink…I eventually switched to the super cool Chinese soup food because 2 drops per bite was NOT doing it for me. 
 
I wonder how long I am going to be in pain. I’ll bet my mom has wondered the same thing about me…except it was phrased a little closer to “I wonder how long she is going to be a pain.” 
 
Some things never change. 

You know how Court was so worried about me going out because he was afraid something would happen where I would sustain an injury to my head/jaw and mess up all the good my surgery has done? Well, I have a story to illustrate just how not paranoid he is. 
 
Nathalie came over today. Yeay! Love her to death. So we talked…yes, I talked gabbed blah blah blah…and then I took some ibuprofin and aspirin and we went off into the big world of San Mateo to go see Catch and Release. A lovely total chick flick staring Jennifer Garner, VERY SEXY Timothy Olyphant, and Kevin Smith… 
 
First disappointment: I had to walk past the popcorn stand and not get anything. 
 
Second disappointment: They still show too much in trailers. Didn’t they get my memo? Geesh. 
 
Third disappointment: The people behind us, though they had a rail to put their feet on, still kicked the back of my chair…a lot. 
 
The movie got going and aside from the occasional jolt I’d get from behind (to which I would turn around and shoot mean looks at dark places where shoes might live – they were sitting higher), I was enjoying myself. I have previously confessed my PMS state of mind (aka weepy mcgillicutty), so I was goin’ with the flow…poor Jennifer’s fiancee died right before the wedding (I have given nothing away since this is what they tell you when you read anything about the movie, and it’s the first line of the film)…what’s a girl to do? Then suddenly…and I do mean suddenly…A FRIKKIN BOOT comes out of the sky and CLOMPS ME ON THE FREAKING HEAD!!!! Are you for real?!? I was leaning on my left elbow, supporting my temple with my hand (because it hurts to put pressure on my chin) and this foot swings down from above and hits not just my hand, but my HEAD! The side of my HEAD. A boot…out of the darkened movie theater sky…onto my HEAD. 
 
Needless to say it 1. freaked me out 2. hurt 3. made me afterwards feel all dirty for having some freak’s BOOT GUNK on my head and my hand. I almost left the movie. When the foot hit me I screamed…I mean, what the–? And I turned around and the foot was pulled up through the bars. I may have heard a “oops sorry” but I’m not sure. It took a lot of restraint to not freak out and stand up and yell at the people behind me. Seriously. We’re talking Cow Town. I was on my way. When the credits rolled I made myself not look behind me because if I had seen their faces I would have hurt them with my glare…and no one deserves that kind of pain.  
 
Yeah. I went to the movies and got kicked in the head. 
 
Good job. 
 
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New breakfast invention. Mound o’waffle. How can you get your own Mound o’waffle? You need 2 frozen waffles. Toast them. Cut them into quarters. Put them in the blender. Woosh woosh. Pour waffle dust onto plate. Add butter and lots of syrup. Mix together. Use chosen utensil to create mound o’waffle on plate. Voila! bon appetite! 
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Okay not really lips like sugar. More: lips like dry desert with side of burning pain. I am just gunna say here that I think if my lips are going to be numb, I would like them to be numb…none of this I can feel the skin stuff. What’s up with that? I mean, if things are numb, why can’t they just be numb? I’m sure if it was the other way around I would wish differently…Oh well. My lips drink vaseline. That’s gross. But I slather it on, and 5 minutes later I need to reapply. Ok moving on. 
 
Court put pizza in a blender for me! Pizza pizza pizza! It was actually the top of the pizza (so no crust) and it was a frozen pizza…so it was practice for the Zachary’s pizza that is going to show up at my house any day now. Right? Right? Oh what am I thinking? I know, I have to go get it myself. It’s weird. I somehow thought I would have more visitors… 
 
I feel like such a brat. I mean, it’s a PLANNED surgery, right? So it’s not like I was SUDDENLY taken ill. I had plenty of time to prepare for this…kind of like pregnancy I guess. But afterwards, I got a cute bundle of pain that eats baby food and not a baby people would want to come and hold. 
 
I really thought my dad would come over and bring me soup. I miss him. I also miss his soup. Whaaa. I think I am going to meet Anne over there next week and order soup. So there. I think I am way PMSing. So read with caution. Having something that takes a long time to recover from is very difficult. And since I look almost fine from the outside, it’s hard to believe (even to myself) that I am in so much pain…or discomfort. Ache. Deep ache. Distracting ache. But not really pain. Just sucky state. Like a back injury. People are sympathetic until they start wondering “aren’t you better yet?” and the sad thing is, the person with the injury is wondering the same thing. So they do things that maybe they shouldn’t because “Aren’t I better yet?” and that sets them back in recovery. Pain is so much more than physical. Good thing your brain does such a good job of forgetting. 
 
I know I am a sucky friend. Ever since my sleep problem started to get overwhelming, I checked out. I haven’t seen friends’ babies. I never send Christmas cards (despite my best intentions). I stopped transferring birthdays from one calendar to the next. I kept thinking “as soon as I am better I’ll be back!” I didn’t want to burden people with my problems. People don’t really want to hear about problems all the time. I honestly thought I would just step away for a moment and come back new and improved. 
 
That moment has stretched out over 4 years now. And I have had periods of “I’m back!” which was a big tease and a big disappointment. Like when I was misdiagnosed with Narcolepsy. I was back when I started my treatment! Who cares I had a sprained ankle that WOULDN’T heal, I was dropping weight like a mother, I looked like I’d been hit in the nose because of my black eyes…I was back! Until I wasn’t. 
 
So after moving far away from my home (far enough that my life patterns have completely shifted, er, stopped) I find out I really CAN get better and I jump on the CURE bus and begin my journey which supposedly ended with surgery, but really should be ending after recovery from surgery. But it’s a slow bus. And when you put your life on hold to ride the bus, I guess you start to think about what’s important and what’s not and then when you figure that out you wonder how you can get the important stuff back and you realise it may be gone for good. But FRUSTRATINGLY you cannot start trying to work on that important stuff now because you’re STILL ON THE BUS and even though there is a stop with your name on it, it may not be the place you thought you were going and then what? Put everything on hold again? Lose more of the important stuff? 
 
I’ve lost many many friends…or at least lost touch with many people…and I am afraid to reach out now because I’m not sure who I am and I can’t make any promises. I guess if they were that important they’d still be around…so say some people. I know I stepped off the face of the Earth and it’s my responsibility to put myself back on…but 
 
DUDE. Pity Pot anyone? 
 
Yeah. okay. Pain sucks. Chronic pain sucks more. Because it doesn’t have to hurt as much but it ends up hurting more.